


Headfirst Into the Abyss

by orphan_account



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bisexual Alexander Hamilton, Bottom Alexander Hamilton, Chatting & Messaging, Everyone Is Gay, Gay, Gen, Human Disaster Alexander Hamilton, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Past Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens, Polyamorous Character, Polyamory, Top Thomas Jefferson
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-15
Updated: 2018-06-30
Packaged: 2019-05-23 10:44:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14932752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Hamilsquad chatfic, entirely inspired by 1-800-did-i-askSet in an ever-changing time period and surprisingly plot driven.And by that I mean constant AHam angst, because who would I be if that wasn't most of the story?





	1. It's a hard knock life

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [1-800-did-I-ask](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6214993) by [lol-phan-af (lol_phan_af)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lol_phan_af/pseuds/lol-phan-af). 



> I have no set update schedule for this and I don't plan to make one at the moment
> 
> Once again I credit most of these ideas to the 1-800-did-i-ask series by lol-phan-af

**FUCK NAPKIN HOLDERS**

  
**small angry cat:** my dearest, Thomas

  
**small angry cat:** WHAT THE FUCK

  
**NotADisneyPrince:** A comma after dearest and everything

  
**gay squared:** amazing

  
**southern motherfucker:** aw you do love me

  
**small angry cat:** yes you asshole now get in here I want hugs

  
**southern motherfucker:** on it

  
**NotADisneyPrince:** what did he even do

  
**small angry cat:** he a t e my fuckign chips

  
**southern motherfucker:** we're Literally making out right now is this the best time

  
**small angry cat:** yes.

  
**small angry cat:** i need to tell the world about this deep and cruel injustice

  
\--

  
**gay squared:** hah I ate the chips

  
**small angry cat:** WHAT THE FUKCJ

  
**small angry cat:** J O N A T H A N

  
**gay squared:** that's

  
**gay squared:** that's not even my name

  
**NotADisneyPrince:** @@TJeffs never denied eating the chips tho???

  
**southern motherfucker:** ,,,,

  
**small angry cat:** my own husband

  
**southern motherfucker:** fiFTH AMENDMENT

  
**small angry cat:** the love of my life

 

 **southern motherfucker:** I THOUGHT WE WERE OKAY WITH THE CHIP THING

  
**small angry cat:** my friend of 5 years

  
**southern motherfucker** : pray for me when I'm dead

  
**small angry cat:** my boyfriend of 3

  
**lawful good:** godspeed Tommy

  
**southern motherfucker:** oh god

  
**small angry cat:** my former Favorite Person

  
 **ICameOutAsFrench:** why do I hear a slamming sound

  
**small angry cat:** hOW COULD YOU

 

 **southern motherfucker:** yo U didn't DO THIDS to JOHN 

 

\-- 

  
**NotADisneyPrince:** ALEX CAN'T SPELL PENNSYLVANIA

  
**small angry cat:** FUCK YOU MAYBE I'M THE ONLY ONE SPELLING IT RIGHT

 **  
** **ICameOutAsFrench:** how do you misspell Pennsylvania

  
**small angry cat:** Pensylvania

  
**gay squared:** WHY WOULD YOU SPELL IT LIKE THAT

  
**southern motherfucker:** "it's like that in the actual goddamn Constitution you uncultured fucking rats" -Alex 2k18

  
**NotADisneyPrince:** Literally only in the Constitution though

  
**small angry cat:** the liberty bell

  
**chaotic neutral:** omg

  
\--

  
**small angry cat:** seriously though I only spell it Pensylvania because that's what it is according to the Literal foundation of our government

  
**southern motherfucker:** alexander it is 4am please come to bed i'm cold

  
**small angry cat:** omw

 **  
ICameOutAsFrench:**  amazing

  
\--

  
**gay squared:** I just stole Alex's phone and he has it set to autocorrect Pennsylvania to Pensylvania

  
**chaotic neutral:** exposed

  
**small angry cat:** how is this being exposed it's just true

  
 **ICameOutAsFrench:** if you want, how you say, exposure

  
 **ICameOutAsFrench:** last yeSogZffujzti xxhx vjd. H ju

  
**NotADisneyPrince:** rest in peace

  
**gay squared:** our beautiful signif is gone

  
**southern part 2:** do I have to help y'all with another body

 **  
** **southern motherfucker:** no I got this one remember

  
**gay squared:** what

  
**small angry cat:** nothing my dear laurens


	2. *sirens in the background*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (set in college)  
> The Rev squad are Very Sorry, please let them leave now
> 
> +A small angst preview

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AKA I don't actually know how the American police system works

**FUCK NAPKIN HOLDERS**

 

 **NotADisneyPrince** : so

 

 **gay squared** : i’m not saying we were just arrested

 

 **ICameOutAsFrench:** but we may have been arrested

 

 **southern part 2:** oh my god

 

 **small angry cat** : g u y s

 

 **southern motherfucker** : do we have to come and get you

 

 **NotADisneyPrince** : that would be nice

 

 **small angry cat** : do I need to bail you out

 

 **gay squared** : ...

 

 **small angry cat** : we're on our way

 

 **NotADisneyPrince** : we??

 

 **small angry cat** : well you see

 

 **small angry cat** : i'm an immigrant

 

 **small angry cat:** and i also have literally no money i’m impossibly poor like i can't even buy myself dinner most of the time

 

 **southern motherfucker** : oh Alex

 

 **small angry cat:** it's been like this my whole life sorry

 

 **southern motherfucker** : ANYWAY

 

 **southern motherfucker** : I'm coming with because I'm rich and I want to help my friend

 

 **NotADisneyPrince** : :^)))))

 

 **southern motherfucker** : laf I want to help laf

 

 **NotADisneyPrince** : :^(((((

 

 **southern motherfucker** : and Alex asked

 

 **gay squared:** don't worry babe he's gonna get all of us

 

 **gay squared:** probably

 

**ALEX PROTECTION SQUAD**

 

 **gay squared** : new chat new chat new chat

 

 **southern motherfucker** : am I the only person who feels like this is needed

 

 **ICameOutAsFrench** : absolutely needed

 

 **NotADisneyPrince** : current plan is to get Alex regular meals

 

 **ICameOutAsFrench:** good luck

 

 **ICameOutAsFrench** : even if he COULD get food do you really think he would

 

 **NotADisneyPrince** : ….

 

 **NotADisneyPrince** : current plan is to get Alex to work less

 

 **gay squared** : or just,, like,,,, take a break

 

 **ICameOutAsFrench:** even more unlikely

 

 **southern part 2** : why am I here

 

 **NotADisneyPrince** : last time Alex locked himself in his room you were the only one he let in

 

 **southern motherfucker** : wh a t

 

 **southern part 2:**  Yeah, there was a reason for that

 

 **true good** : oh

 

 **chaotic neutral** : wait

 

 **lawful neutral** : was that in February

 

 **gay squared:** number one why are you so synchronised that was scary as shit

 

 **NotADisneyPrince** : rt

 

 **gay squared** : number two yeah last month why

 

 **chaotic neutral** : shit

 

 **lawful neutral** : of course that dumbass wouldn't tell you

 

**FUCK NAPKIN HOLDERS**

 

 **small angry cat** : wait what did you even do

 

 **NotADisneyPrince** : public indecency

 

 **southern motherfucker** : I change my mind you can stay there

 

 **ICameOutAsFrench** : no no the cop said we were speeding??

 

 **small angry cat** : what the shit

 

 **NotADisneyPrince** : we weren't even in the car when the cop talked to us though it was in the store

 

 **NotADisneyPrince** : he said he saw us making out in the HEB parking lot

 

 **chaotic neutral** : HOW MANY COPS DID YOU TALK TO

 

 **southern motherfucker** : did

 

 **southern motherfucker** : did you all get arrested for different reasons

 

 **gay squared** : holy shit

 

 **ICameOutAsFrench:** it seems we did mon amie

 

 **small angry cat** : sérieusement ce que l'enfer

 

 **gay squared** : Alex please not all of us speak French

 

 **small angry cat:** Voy a empujar mi francés un pie por el culo

 

 **ICameOutAsFrench** : Alex please not all of us speak Spanish

 

 **gay squared:** he's been typing a long time i'm scared

 

 **small angry cat:** אני צריך לחלץ את כל 3 מכם מסיבות שונות אני אשתמש בכל שפה שאני רוצה

 

 **NotADisneyPrince** : WHAT THE HELL

 

 **gay squared** : is that fucking Hebrew

 

 **NotADisneyPrince** : literally None of us know Hebrew (?) Alex please

 

 **chaotic neutral** : why the shit does alex know hebrew

 

 **small angry cat** : i went to a jewish school on Nevis

 

 **gay squared** : do you actually have your keyboard set to allow hebrew letters

 

 **small angry cat** : ye

 

 **chaotic neutral** : alex knows a Scary amount of languages

 

 **small angry cat:**  5??

 

 **NotADisneyPrince** : yeah scary

 

 **small angry cat:** anyway we're almost there

 

**ALEX PROTECTION SQUAD**

 

 **lawful neutral** : February is the month Alex's mother died

 

**FUCK NAPKIN HOLDERS**

 

 **gay squared** : wE’RE FREE

  
**southern motherfucker** : you're welcome

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I run off of angst so I couldn't resist lmao
> 
> And hey! A new chapter the day after the first one. Amazing what you can do with a total lack of self control
> 
> I can see some weird formatting issues but I can't really fix them right now
> 
> comment for a free police siren, usable in making people leave and scaring them at the same time


	3. alex is really scary okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> croutons are lifeblood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oops  
> what's consistency never heard of it
> 
> I CHANGED LAF'S USERNAME AND WILL BE GOING BACK TO THE OTHER CHAPTERS AND FIXING IT NOW
> 
> none of this has a time anymore it's just vague and 90% context clues. 
> 
> Jamilton is dating in the first part (it's set during like Easter break which is why Alex is at the Washington's) then they aren't in the second, because these used to be two separate chapters then i realized that i needed something to make up for the wait

**FUCK NAPKIN HOLDERS**

 

**NotADisneyPrince** : why does alex look like egoraptor

 

**gay squared** : he dOES

 

**southern motherfucker:**  who??

 

**small angry cat:**  a youtuber babe

 

**small angry cat:** and NO I DON’T

 

**chaotic neutral** : you really do

 

**true good:** Ang just pulled up a picture of him and you really do hon

 

**small angry cat:**  this is bullying

 

**southern motherfucker:** i’m on your side babe i really don’t see it

 

**small angry cat:**  t ha n k you

 

**gay squared:** rt if you think alex looks like egoraptor

 

**chaotic neutral:** rt

 

**true good** : rt

 

**NotADisneyPrince** : rt

 

**true neutral:** rt

 

**ICameOutAsFrench** : rt

 

**southern part 2:** rt

 

**southern motherfucker:** jaMES

 

**southern part 2:**  sorry he does

 

**small angry cat:** bu l ly ing

 

**gay squared:**  ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 

**small angry cat:**  laf i’m leaving i need to see my boyfriend he’s the only one who isn’t being mean

 

**ICameOutAsFrench** : are the washingtons going to let you do that

 

**small angry cat:** i’m a grown man they can’t stop me

 

**what IS an opinion:** Both points are entirely debatable.

 

**FUCK NAPKIN HOLDERS**

 

 

**southern motherfucker:** so me and Alex are at a restaurant with a buffet

 

**southern part 2:** Does this story end with sex

 

**southern motherfucker** : n o

 

**southern part 2:** Continue

 

**southern motherfucker:**  Alex is getting pizza or something like the rat he is

 

**small angry cat:** rude

 

**southern motherfucker** : I'm walking away from the salad bar and he turns to face me

 

**southern motherfucker** : he sees something behind me and his eyes light the fuck up 

 

**southern motherfucker** : it was cute as hell so i'm distracted. he shoves his plate into my hands and I almost drop all of it

 

**gay squared** : nice

 

**southern motherfucker:** so I turn around once i get my shit together and Alex

 

**southern motherfucker** : hAS A PLATE WITH LITERALLY ONLY CROUTONS ON IT

 

**ICameOutAsFrench** : what the fucjk

 

**southern motherfucker** : AND AN E N T I R E

 

**southern motherfucker** : B O W L

 

**southern motherfucker:** OF RANCH DRESSING

 

**southern motherfucker** : I'M SO SCARED

 

**NotADisneyPrince** : sources

 

**southern motherfucker** : _image_

 

**NotADisneyPrince** : I change my mind on the sources take it back

 

**chaotic neutral** : cursed image wh at the h ell

 

**small angry cat** : leave me alone I can eat what I want

 

**southern motherfucker** : he's just angrily dipping croutons in ranch and eating them while glaring at his phone

 

**gay squared** : I'm so scared of Alex

 

**NotADisneyPrince** : rt

 

**chaotic neutral** : rt

 

**ICameOutAsFrench** : rt

 

**southern part 2** : rt

 

**southern motherfucker** : … rt

 

**small angry cat** : yoU TOO

 

**southern motherfucker** : :^///

 

**small angry cat** : y'know you're about 3 feet away i could fight you here and now

 

**southern motherfucker** : square up you fucking gremlin

 

**southern part 2:** Please don't, I'll probably end up being kicked out of this restaurant along with you

 

**small angry cat** : YOU'RE hERE

 

**southern part 2:** Not anymore

 

**southern motherfucker** : I just watched James frantically shove his food in his mouth and speed walk out the door

 

**NotADisneyPrince** : amazing

 

 

**FUCK NAPKIN HOLDERS**

 

**small angry cat** : this guy just asked me out

 

**small angry cat:** like no previous prompting, “wanna go out for lunch"

 

 

**Jamilton Task Force**

 

 

**ICameOutAsFrench** : shit

 

**true good** : rt

 

**chaotic neutral** : rt

 

**gay squared** : rt

 

**NotADisneyPrince** : rt

 

**southern part 2** : rt

 

**southern part 2:** Once again though why am I here

 

**ICameOutAsFrench** : you know Thomas best?

 

**southern part 2:** fair enough

 

 

**FUCK NAPKIN HOLDERS**

 

**small angry cat** : it’s actually kind of creepy because right after I started coming to this coffee shop he suddenly appears every time I'm here

 

**small angry cat** : and I come here at the same time every day

 

**southern motherfucker** : you should probably say no

 

**gay squared** : yeeeaaaahh

 

**small angry cat** : so I may have panicked and said 'i dont eat lunch' which isn't technically a no

 

**chaotic neutral:** @Hammy what the fuck

 

**small angry cat** : see: _panicked_

 

**small angry cat** : it's true though

 

**southern motherfucker:** actually i can confirm that he doesn't usually eat lunch

 

**ICameOutAsFrench** : al e x

 

**small angry cat** : :^////

 

**small angry cat** : the dude just huffed, went 'sure' all condescending, and handed me a b u s i n e s s c a r d

 

**gay squared** : oh my God

 

**NotADisneyPrince** : is this guy real

 

**small angry cat** : apparently his name is george king

 

**chaotic neutral** : ew

 

**true neutral** : wait I think I know him

 

**true good** : yeah I recognize the name??

 

**chaotic neutral** : well I sure as fuck don't

 

**ICameOutAsFrench** : hush child no cursing for you

 

**small entry cat:** i support peggy cursing 200%

 

**chaotic neutral** : thank you

 

**small angry cat** : george just went back to his seat and is kind of not really staring at me because he thinks i can't see

 

**southern motherfucker** : kill him

 

**small angry cat** : jokes on him my laptop screen is hella reflective

 

**NotADisneyPrince** : i second that kill him

 

**gay squared** : yes

 

**small angry cat** : he juST

 

**southern motherfucker** : _worry_

 

**small angry cat** : i think he just took a picture of me

 

**southern motherfucker** : _k i l l h i m_

 

**small angry cat** : no murder but i am fuckign leaving

 

**gay squared:** good

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if anyone wants me to go back and fix the time periods, i AM planning on doing that at some point. probably when I get a few more chapters out.
> 
> (yes I actually eat croutons like this fight me)
> 
> comment for a free blank business card. I don't even know what the fuck you'd do with that I'm tired

**Author's Note:**

> i think the names are pretty obvious, but feel free to ask
> 
> i have about 5 chapters written right now, but 3 of them are more heavy (the source of those serious tags) and will probably have to come later  
> By the way, would you want something a little more serious soon? Or in like 3-4 chapters?
> 
> Comment for free fountain pens. Usable for kickass writing and murder.


End file.
